I'm home again after a week of yoga teacher training. I had these lofty goals of blogging about my adventures while I was there, but in the reality of it, at the end of each day of the training, I had barely enough left to call my husband for a quick hello. The week was intensely and emotionally exhausting and at the same time absolutely magnificent. I came up to the very edge of my comfort zone, to the very boundaries of my self-imposed limitations and then I pushed past them. I am growing not only as a teacher, but as a person. I stood up in front of the whole group for the first time. I let go of my guard and let my peers in (which is usually something I struggle with letting happen). My teacher, Ann, told me at the end of the class that this experience of becoming more myself, is like being a flower bud, pushing against it's own contraction to be able to unfurl into the flower it blooms into. And that experience can be uncomfortable and strange.
So, I am beginning to bloom, but I am feeling a little shy in this new form. A little unlike myself and there is a part of me that wants to go back to old ways. I am resistant to change. Because with the brighter light of blooming, also comes a bigger awareness of the darker shadow that I no longer can ignore, that I have no choice but to embrace.
Here is this shadow:
I am sometimes very closed off. Shy. Quiet. Withdrawn. Unconfident. Nervous. I'm not good at reaching out and embracing people who've been in my life before or are about to enter it. I feel fear of holding space for others, afraid that my holding will be weak and false: 'who am I to be strong for someone else', I think, 'when I am not being strong myself'. So I retreat. I feel uncomfortable being myself. It takes me forever to open up. And then sometimes once I do, I pulse in and out of connection and disconnect.
I am learning,
that the more I open my heart to others,
the more I choose to hold space for others,
the stronger, the braver
the more courageous,
that makes me.
In holding more space for others,
I actually end up holding more space for myself as well.
So as I step more into the space of light, I allow more holding space for the dark. I'll do my best to appreciate the budding as much as the bloom.